The Sperm Diet

Ladies you are either gonna love or hate this blog post.

It’s about sperm!

You know those wiggly little tadpole-type creatures they gave you lessons about in high school? The lessons where you doodled beards in various locations on the naked pictures adorning the sex textbooks? And your teacher stood up there all bald-faced and told you that only others hide their shame with such acts. Which sent you reaching for the pencil to add to the accumulated shame on those tatty old book covers.

Anyway I read something about the nutritional value of sperm:

“Sperm, or more appropriate to your question, semen, is about 95% water. There are trace amounts of zinc, Vitamin C and some other minerals and elements, but it's mostly water. It's probably not enough to keep you alive, but it won't kill you either. Remember, its mission in life is to swim up the vagina, find an egg and beat its head against the door until it gets in. It's not designed as a sports drink....

Yes, it has lots of vitamins and also proteins and amino acids. It is really good for you. It has anti-depressant properties as well that improve your mood.

Recent scientific studies from the FDA show that the consumption of sperm is directly correlated with weight loss. The results on average showed that consumption of 9 grams of sperm per week led to losing 1 pound of body fat."

Now this is great news ladies – weight loss and sperm! Think about it now. A totally renewable resource that is easily (and I mean EASILY) and cheaply available that could potentially replace Slim Fast.

Yes I can see a need to experiment with the flavour. I can envision watermelon, tangerine and perhaps, appropriately, Jerkie flavour. After all, not all women of ample proportions favour fruit (or they wouldn’t need the Sperm-o-diet to begin with).

Now I can already hear the human rights activists amongst you protesting the factory-farm type sperm extraction facilities that you envision must ensue, enslaving poor, helpless male donors against their will in the direst of conditions.

Well I don’t actually think that will be necessary. In the true hu-MAN tradition of self-sacrifice for the sake of the species, men will, I feel, gladly submit themselves to this greater cause with a self-abandonment that can only be described as – well, noble!

I think we can actually establish a national delivery network similar in scope to the old milkman routes. “One pint or two today luv?”

And finally, the crowning achievement in this massive debt to humankind is the anti-depressant qualities that can improve mood and so lead to a general heightening of sexual energy amongst women.

What do you mean you already gave to the sperm bank today?

Oh well, at least that size 10 still fits!

Copyright2009, Angela Lovell.